hmm?

iCatharsis

...are YOU smart?

rant.

I'm sick of being like this and its annoying the hell out of me. I'm always tryna find a loop hole or some way to justify the way i am but theres nothing.
I'm shy, i get nervous too easily, i can't speak my mind if my life depended on it, i'm extremely awkward, i think b4 i speak, i find a fricken fault in every fricken thing that i do and say.
This shit is far from saying, 'i'm just human, everybody does it' b/c at some fricken point that person should grow out of it, or it should minimize or some shit. not get worst! Sigh.
Everytime i tell myself nxt time will be better, imma change it no more. I throw all that possy tlk out the door and fall back into my old ways again. :/
Idk what to do anymore, i'm not happy. I'm just a ghost walking endlessly.
I don't wanna try anymore and i don't have the energy to fake it either. everything just really NEEDS to be fixed.
But something in me refuses to be down in the dumps, everyting that i'm feeling is just building up somewhere underlying w/n.
Geez, i don't wanna be a downer, i just wanna change. :/

--posted via my phone. :]

slap me. -.-

i seriously think i have a problem
like wtf?
whats so hard about a wave?

saying high?

i literally choke up.

someone needs to seriously slap me b/c this is so juvenile.

ughhh :/

sigh, i'm so pathetic.

you ever want something,

but then you realize that it may be too late to have it?

...yup

i freak out to FOB!

this wasn't even suppose to be a video.

i wanted to take pictures to show off my indusy but i ended up freaking out to the song.

mind as well post it here right?

haha; enjoy my insanity. :]

-en <3

random jot.

i miss blogging.

but i just can't seem to throw myself back in the groove.

i made my final school decision!

i was being very iffy about transferring b/c i would have to start all ovr again,

but this is what i've decided.

iiiii'm gonna apply to the one and only school that i have my heart set on.

i was gonna have back ups,

but psua is my back up!

lol

soo if i don't get into stony brook,

i'm just gonna double major in theatre here,

and transfer to UP my jr year.

yup yup.

i'm very satisfied w/ that decision.

can't believe i haven't thought about it b4.

ehh, well i'm gonna go waste my life away and probably fall asleep.

brit wants to go to school @ 8am to go get the H1N1 shot

argghh

well hasta siempre que!

-en <3

planet earth turns slowly.

okay, i wanted to blog but i wanna make this really quick cause i'm mad pump for no reason right now.

so apparently on friday when i was out of mind my two groups of friends were bumping heads.

let me break this down real quick:

on different days i hang w/ different people,

not b/c thats how i structured it out

but b/c the people i hang w/ are convenient with my schedule.

haha

these people barely know one another b/c i'm nvr around them all at once.

soo yeahh

at my party they were all together,

i wasn't aware of what was going on cause i was in my own little world.

lol

but today i finally heard the aftermath

group A had a problem w/ group B

and now both of the groups are telling me i need to pick better friends.

........................um, da fuck?

out of these 3 months I personally have had no problem with either of the two groups.

my personality meshes perfectly with both of them.

i think i have a fairly good judgement of the people i choose to be my friends.

i mean they're okay, its not like these people are my best friends and i tell them my fucking life story and shit.

they're potential friendship quality doesn't mean that much to me.

but w/e they can have problems b/w each other.

&it was the females!

well anyway, my birthday was great from what i remember.

lmfao

college park didn't come,

but we ended up texting &he called meeee. :]

like i said, i'm very awkward, and i'm still immature so i get SO giddy. lol

i'm tryna shake it, but it takes maddd time & effort.

i come home friday morning!!

i'mma start packing today.

i have to pick outfits for a week+!

its gonna take me sometime cause i'm very picky w/ my clothes.

i'm really excited to see everyone!

i can't wait, i don't understand why people hate MD so much.

i lovee it! lol

oh, and i finally got my industrial!

so you guys won't have to read about me whining about how badly i want it.

i wish i would have made a vid and put it on youtube cause everybody else who did it we're kind of psyching me out.

they're fucking pussys,

it didn't even hurt that bad.

i didn't even know the man was done. -.-

well..maybe i have a high pain tolerance being as tho i can pierce myself?

eh w/e

well i'm done.

i'mm cooking bbq chicken!

hasta siempre que!

-en <3

ten million fireflies.

um, so yeah.

so far its been a fair week.

yesterday was the best fucking day ever. lol

but it kind of crash and burned a bit.

idk how to work myself out of this pickle..

knowing me i'll make it awkward, and maybe even worst.

but i have my GOD to help me i.e ashley

although my substitute got me into this jam!

but everything will be fine right?

my birthday is this friday and idk whether i should be pump or not.

this is my second birthday w/ blogspot!

very cool.

but my sig is coming

& my GOD lol and one of my housemates & my substitute

[lol, imma have to give her a better name] are throwing me a party.

again, very cool. lol

college park will be there too.

but ehh, like i said i'm not really excited.

my bday present to myself will beeee:

MY INDUSTRIAL!

that i'm getting friday

& thiss

but that'll come further down the road.

i love it and i have to have it. :]

umm, what else could i sayy?

ahh, i'm @ a lost.

welp, hasta siempre que!

-en <3

...to BURY the castle.

you know when i first made this blogspot i would have never thought that i would like it so much.

although i like my private blog way way better.

like in the beginning i pretty much started off as a n00bz not knowing what i wanted to type about but my blogs have become a major part of me now.

reading my blogs made me like myself so much more.

like i guess when i'm typing my blogs at the time i nvr think about how i'm gonna reflect back on them 5 months from now,

but now that i've read my old blogs its like i get to observe everything i went through and the things that got my through it.

i guess they're right when they say everything happens for a reason b/c i feel like i've grown from every bad or good thing thats happened to me ovr time.

[mannn its hot as a mother chucker in hurrr]

*turns fan on*

but anyway, the uplifting and optimistic words that i used to give myself when i wasn't so chipper really kind of helps.

i've also been thinking that i need to stop thinking so much.

isn't that always the case w/ me?

lately me caring about what other people think has been stopping me from doing some of the things i wanna do.

but doing that does nothing but push me back a few miles, so then i have to manipulate the subject and change my route again.

they also say that some people go to college to find themselves,

i always thought that was a bunch of hoopla until i actually started to experience it myself.

i always thought that i had a very distinct idea of who i was,

but i guess every person experiences different stages in their life

like me, back then was the HS stage of my life,

i knew who i was based on the circumstances that i faced.

but now i guess you can say i'm partaking in the college stage of my life and everything is at a blurr now.

i'm very confused and i feel like i wanna go back to my home base to get a feel of things.

i'm being faced with new things that i didn't necessarily worry about b4 and idkh to go about them.

i think i often get perceived as someone easy to take advantage of b/c for the most part here i've been very quiet and nice...

which are two attributes to my faulty personality that need to be fixed.

lately i've been observing that some people try to confront me in ways that i percieve as 'trying to take advantage of me'

and of course i'm not gonna sit back and let that happen,

but i'm confused with whether or not i should stand up and not allow it to happen or if the attempt to take advantage of me isn't actually happening and i shouldn't do anything about it.

...if that makes sense?

but anywho,

ever see one of those pictures where theres this one object standing still and the whole world is moving on around it?

hmm, KINDA like this:

thats what i feel like.

at this moment i just wish i could push the REDO button and go back to August 20th.

fix everythinggg, and do everything all ovr again.

sry, my thoughts were scattered everywhere, thats what i get for not really blogging in a while.

i'm just one of those ghost; traveling endlessly

sigh, i think i'm upset b/c Dis not coming anymore.

I mean if all of this didn't happen i think he would be a little sympathetic for not being able to make it, but he doesn't.

I feel like i ruined everything, and i did.

I was looking forward to nxt weekend for months, i know it wasn't SOLELY based on what i did.. How did i just destroy it like that?

I'm really glad Em is still coming but i wanted the both of them to come, thats what i had my heart set on.

I can't stop being so down in the dumps and it revolves around the fact that Di isn't and doesn't plan on tlking to me.

I feel like he honestly doesn't wanna be my friend anymore and that he can move on w/o me. But i can't, loosing Di would be like loosing Em and these few days or so of not tlking to him really killed me. I miss getting copy & pasted txt that i sent him. lol

They say you nvr really appreciate anything until its gone...and boyy were they right.

Di is such a really good friend.

I think its kind of weird for me b/c i've nvr had a guy bestfriend b4, so when i get mad @ him idk how to act. And i know the silent treatment with Em isn't necessarily the most effective way to go about things, but its just like how i've always done it, and it seemed to work.

I mean thats how i've always done things when i was mad at someone.

W/ my fam & other friends.

It seemed right, but apparently it isn't.

idk how to approach people w/ i'm mad @ then. Idkh!

Its a flaw i need to work on, but if i loose a very valuable friend in the process idk what i would do. I feel like if i don't have Di & Em who do i have?

[well i have kay, and ilh, but come on now. haha]

I mean altho me and Em haven't been the closest people ever these pass months, and i'm not as close as i would like to be w/ Di...i feel like they're real, like they're really there for me.

I tlk to a very fair amount of people from hs, but Di & Em are the best.

I love them dearly, i just feel like everything is screwed up and its all my fault AND theres nothing i can do about it, but wait till Di is ready to tlk to me, IF he still wants to.

i typed this from my phone, now isn't that beast? haha

butterfly fly away.

so since i have this hour alone I just wanted to bloggg.

whoo, very rare on my part.

idk how this is gonna go so just bare w/ me.

i like to think that i'm pretty hard to read, not b/c i think that makes me different or anything, but b/c i believe i am.

i mean if you've known me, or tlked to me for quit some time i'm pretty sure you'd have a very accurate guess on who/how i am.

but i hate when people make assumptions about me,

it just bugs me.

i'm kind of keeping myself closed b/c i really don't want to get to know anybody, and i don't want anybody to get to know me.

i'll fall out of it, but for now thats how i am.

naturally i play everything by my mood,

i pick an outfit out at night thinking i wanna actually get dressed and look nice in the morning,

but when i wake up i just feel like throwing on a hoodie and some jeans.

and other days its vice versa.

the music i listen to is all depending on my mood at the time.

i can be obsessed w/ a song one week, the next week i play the same song and i can't bare to hear it.

most of the time i listen to songs that make me feel calm, and peaceful and other times i wanna listen to something loud so i can shake my fan fan.

haha

it alls depends on what i'm feeling at the moment.

and i just get annoyed when people try to confine me in this box of what they think they know about me.

i don't show people all of who i am, it takes me a while to express myself to people.

even people that you would think that i'm generally close to,

they know alot, but they don't know everything.

i guess thats why i wanna start what i'm starting,

but i'm being very reluctant b/c i don't want to show things that i've always hidden.

but life is about change right?

hmm.

how you gon' win if you ain't right within?

every time it comes close to putting my decision into action, i always doubt myself.

like i start thinking about all the negatives, and i search for reassurance.

my mother tries to sway my decision b/c she doesn't necessarily agree w/ me transferring b/c of the state i wanna go to.

but i feel like if i don't i'm gonna regret it.

this place is starting to grow on me, but i find faults in it everyday,

i guess you can say i'm not giving it a fair chance.

but i def don't hate it as MUCH as i did when i first started,

&i enjoy some of the friendships i've made.

but i feel like if i stay, i'd be settling...giving up

staying here doesn't benefit me in anyway.

the classes are fairly easy, but shouldn't i be challenged a bit?

and the courses i wanna take aren't even offered here.

man, i could go onnnn

but although i find all these faults, i'm still not 100% confident in my decision to transfer.

ahh, idk.

i'm still applying to the SUNY i chose either way,

i just hope i'm making the right decision.

well anyway, i haven't blogged much so let me fill you in!

i've started something,

still in the works b/c i'm trying to manage my time w/it.

i don't necessarily know how i'm gonna follow through w/ it, but its actually kinda fun.

haha

iiii went to UP over the weekend,

and its honestly the best fun i've had thus far.

i tell you, being drunk does make a party like 10 times better.

haha

i don't feel like typing everything i did b/c i have ish to do,

but i fell in love w/ the campus and i'm def gonna visit again.

PLUS miley cyrus is playing there november 5th!

i'm in thereeee, like swimwear!!!

ummm, oh yeah!

i bought a new moon poster!

whoo whoo!

i got jacob <3

initially i said i wasn't gonna get anymore posters but screw that,

when i saw taylors face @ hot topic i went BANANAS!

haha,

well i have mad hw, i gotta clean my room cause my landlords showing off my house tomorrow since none of my housemates [including me] plan on living in here nxt year. lol

&i wanna eat salad and watch WILAY!

so until wheneverrrr,

hasta siempre que!

-en <3

paramore, oh how i love thee.

i think i'm slightly reviving an old obsession.

i remember i always loved watching youtube vids of paramore live, or like acoustic or something b/c hayley voice always sounds superb.

now i'm really upset that i'm not in MD b/c i REALLY wanna see them performmm.

ugh, but i'll digress.

i'm sure there will be a next time.

well you HAVE to watch this!

enjoy <3

i have a lot of growing up to do

lesson learned, and all i can do is grow from it.

nuff said

you need this song in your life!

i CAN'T stop listening to it.

[this is Dis FAVORITE song right here.]

It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in

i think a certain paramore fan would love my title.

haha

i've been whoring out brand new eyes and ready to die.

-juicy

-nasty boy

-ignorance

-&playing god

to be particular.

they heal my mood.

playing god aids to my anger so much.

[i'm playing that right now]

i think i'm getting stronger b/c i'm forcing myself not to give in.

two tears fell from my eyes today i refused for anymore to fall.

if lonely is what i feel, then the strength of independence will be my reign.

i'm not gonna bring what i feeling to a head for anybody, b/c if they don't see it for themselves, then it isn't worth rectifying.

but anywhoo,

i was gonna rant about what i hate about the people here,

but i don't feel like it &i'm sure no one wants to read it. lol

i really wanna make a vid blog, but i'm guessing that will have to wait till nxt week.

i don't like making vid blogs w/ people in the house.

hmm, well i got my monologue books today,

i haven't chosen one yet, i'm being very picky.

but ah well, i have no reason to rush,

i'm just doing it for fun for the time being.

well i'm donee,

i'm blogging about nothingness.

-en <3

hmm?

i think its due time that i start actively blogging again,

don't ya think?

hmm, well i'm about to go to my last/only class today,

get some more monologue books cause i yet to pick one that i really wanna work on,

and then i'll be back!

more than likely i want be ranting about some shiiittttt so brace yourselves.

peace!

i'd like to make myself believe, that planet earth turns slowly.

Okay, so i'm really excited to type this blog lol.

looking at my decision to choose penn state altoona, i think it was a mistake.

lol

but a GOOD mistake,

it made me realize what i don't wanna be doing.

ahh, let me just explain.

i don't wanna be here, and i can complain [which i am, and i will continue to do] but i wanna put my feelings into action too.

i'm gonna transfer.

originally my plan was to stay here for another year so i can have enough credits to transfer as a upper-transfer student, but becuase i'm so bored out of my mind here, it made me wanna do more research and i realized that i CAN transfer for fall 2010 with 30 credits.

whooo

so i've narrowed my searches down to two schools,

i'm not gonna say them cause i don't wanna lol

i'm mad b/c i don't wanna go through this whole college process again, sending all my shit to schools.

but the good thing is that when you transfer you don't always have to send them you SAT and ACT scores, so thats one load off.

i'm really gonna put effort into making sure my college essays are good this time. cause before i didn't care. haha

but anywho, making this poor altoona decision has made me realize what i really wanna do.

they don't even have theatre as a fricken minor choice. >;o

and they don't have open auditions for the plays.

to top it all off, its boring, theres nothing to do unless you have a car &even that doesn't suffice

& i feel like i'm in hs again.

like why would i stay here? lol

i could go on man.

the only prob is, i have to sell my mom to let me transfer to either of the two states the schools i wanna go to are in.

blehh, i'm still gonna apply tho. lol

well okay, i'm shaking cause its so cold in my room.

i'm about to do laundry, and then watch set it off since di made me download it.

okie, adios.

-en <3

"everything happens for a reason." :]

we can't hold back, just give me a second to react!

Ahh, okay i'm in such a better mood!

I have a set plan now and its all thanks to Rinny.

talking to her made me feel so much better,

its nice looking at someone thats going in the same path that I would like to go.

My mind is made up, and I feel very determined now.

I feel a little more like myself and I hope it continues to get better.

Idt my opinion will change any time soon about the people here.

Really, I don't even wanna waste my time talking to people b/c from the personas I'm observing, I'm not gonna like them even if I try to get to know them.

I'm satisfied w/ the friends I have back at home and the few people I tlk to here.

I was never a big mingler anyway.

so IDGAF.

I know I'll start feeling a different way over time, like I always do.

But I'm satisfied with feeling like this at the moment, its not a bad thing..so why change?

keeps my name out of peoples mouths anyway.

but yeah,

i'm secure with the decision and plan that i've made.

so now my worrying has stopped.

I just need to make sure I stay headstrong, be productive and stick to my plan.

So this weekend while I'm making my next semester class list I'll search up some schools and junk.

Ahhh, its gonna take a while to actually get things started but I'm gonna keep faith in myself. :]

wah wah wah

idk whats wrong w/ me.

this week has just been really hard for me.

i'm worrying about stuff,

i hate feeling like i don't have a plan for my future.

i'm so mind boggled.

i can think about this ovr and ovr and try to become satisfied but i nvr am.

man, idek what i'm tlking about.

i'm making myself feel sickk.

i hate tlking to people here cause i wanna be by myself.

but thats not how i'm suppose to be feeling nowwww.

sigh. idk. :/

i really need to shake out of this b/c i'm gonna fall into whole depressing thing and thats gonna take longer to get out of.

i really don't feel like myself.

eh, idk.

i can't even think of anything optimistic to make myself feel a little better.

hopefully, i'm just having a sucky week and all this hoopla will go away.

ughh, i just feel like being real saucy and taking my emotions out on people. >;o

give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Life in altoona isn't getting any better for me,

i've lost all my umph, and now idgaf anymore.

i don't wanna fall into dumps and be all depressed up here.

i wanna embrace myself on the outside like i used to do.

altoona downs my mood, and i'm becoming very comfortable with it.

i'm letting people get under my skin and annoy the hell out of me easier than before,

i'm becoming anti-social more and more. and idc about making friends.

i just don't wanna try anymore b/c it feels so comfortable being in this state,

but its not good.

i wanna start broadening my mind to a lot of different things.

i want the nat that i used to be comfortable being to crawl out from the whole inside of me

and show herself once again, just until i can fall back into place.

[i tried to make sense as much as i could, lol]

just so i can start being and feeling myself again.

i know its gonna take a while and alot of forcing.

i feel like my life is all doing loops and i don't have a grip on anything.

i wanna gain control again, i HAVE to gain back control.

ilymorgs

Morgs is the bestest friend I ever had and I love her so much.

I can tlk to her on the phone and listen to her rant about her views,

and even tlk on the phone while we're sending each other links on AIM of gawd knows what.

and no one else could ever go ga ga with me at target and blow major duckets on everything we set our eyes on.

or even jump when it thunderstorms and scream when the lights cut off in a store. lol

and no one has the same sense of style as me!

man, i could go on &on.

you've been with me through all my bullshit and stupid problems that i've had.

i would get annoyed w/ me crying all the damn time. lol

ily sooo much!

and even though i get mad at you about all my hooplah and i always fail to go to you about it,

your still the bestest truest friend a girl like me can possibly have.

i'm very blessed to have you as my bestfriend.<3

gay, i know. lol

idc!

ilyMORGS! ♥

lol, this will be a waste of a blog but aha.

i'm posting all my 'meant to be private' blogs here.

mwuahaha.

*suitable twilight quote goes here*

it sucks b/c i get depressed about the same things all the time.

i find myself often putting on a facade to make it seem i'm coping with this whole college thing but i'm not.

i mean sometimes its okay, but other times i just wish i was back home.

i'm in the state of mind where i know i'm just really comfortable w/ the niche of friends that i've established, that i don't really wanna make anymore.

and when i do, i feel like i'm faking it cause i really don't wanna tlk to them.

i guess i naturally draw people to me, b/c all the people i tlk to up here,

8 times out of 10, they approached me first.

if i could have it my way, i would wake up, go to school, do hw eat, &sleep and do that all over again until it was time for me to go home.

but it isn't like that.

sometimes i wish i was a little different b/c i wish i was kinda of like 'in'.

&naturally i was never really an 'in' kind of person.

and idk how to be one.

sometimes i think it would be better if i had someone that i already knew here,

b/c it would make me feel more inclined or comfortable to be myself but that wouldn't really help my growing process now would it?

everyones so mature up here,

and i feel like i'm at a little battle w/ myself.

like should i be myself, be immature & make noises and shit or should i just be chill like everyone else?

often i just settle w/ chill which makes me feel so boring.

its like my whole 'idc what anybody thinks, but to an extent' thing has totally left me.

&now i care.

like i feel like a freshman at high school all over again.

its not that i'm not having fun, but i'm not having the type of fun that i think i should be having, or the type of fun i would like to be having.

i feel like i'm keeping myself confined.

idk, i'm all types of sad.

i was gonna post this on my private blog but w/e.

mahh cribbzzz

blehhhh, home alone.

so what do i do?

lol, nothing inappropriate. ahaa

I MAKE A VIDEO MANN!!

=]

sigh,

theres always something wrong with me.

:/

drama. drama. drama.

i'm not even gonna go into detail about the unnecessary hoopla that just happened today and yesterday.

if you wanna know read my tweets..

but anywho, i'm so sick of female drama.

like it tends to get annoyingly old.

i can not stress how much i hate females.

some of them are great, like the 'real' female friends i have acquired ovr high school.

but man, i'm so sick of the drama that comes along with them.

i've had my share of female problems in hs and i'm SO over it.

its always somebodies feelings getting hurt or something that was done wrong that they didn't like.

oh and boys! theres always a boy problem thrown in there too. lol

i don't believe i've had any problems with my guy friends that i had with my female friends.

geez.

i mean i know i've had my share of problems myself,

but i usually just keep them within a close niche of people.

the few girls i've met here so far that i actually like are very mellow.

and thats more than perfect.

i noticed that with myself, i don't like meeting people in a group.

i like to meet a person one on one and then get to know them.

i unconsciously create a few close friends rather than a bunch of associates...

if that makes sense.

and i think i'm a very good persona reader.

although that isn't true 99.9% of the time and someone can call me out on that if they'd like.

lol

i'm sorry this blog is jumping all over the place.

but now that me and the freshie aren't on the same terms as we were before.

shes being very immature.

honestly, i just don't have time for it.

for some sucky reason i'm a chick drama magnet.

but no sireee,

i swear i'm done.

i'll stay to myself in this house.

and mingle else where.

thats what i want anyway.

peace <3

i miss my frannndssss so much!

yeah, that needed to be a blog.

i love a select few of you!

lol <3

dutch courage

ahh, i forgot how being so 'different' is hard in new environments.

right now, i'm pretty much walking on egg shells b/c the people that i've met so far are so different from me.

so here, so far i've noticed that alot of the black people don't like to mingle with the everyone else.

aha, mingle is so our word of the week.

but anyway, so pretty much they created like this group, that unfortunately i'm apart of and its very sucky.

idk, i'm not one to say i'm different from everyone else.

but my interest are are far from typical.

knowing that i'm not like the average bunch is not something that i didn't know before.

but it always blows up in your face when your surrounded by people who aren't into the same things as you.

like dude, RHS priss girls have nothing on the them.

lol, i'm not gonna say all of them are like that.

theres this one girl who barely says anything that just follows them.

idk, from my observation i think she justs with them b/c they're her roomies and she has no one else to be with.

but i refuse to be like her ass.

but anyway, there is one girl that is fairly up my alley of cool.

so yeahh.

idk, i just wanna venture off.

which is what i plan on doing.

it's like 10pm and i'm @ home blogging.

apparently thats not cool.

but IDGAF.

my roomies prob wandering around looking for a party getting her ass lost so she can call security to take her home again. lol

ahh, but its only the second day...

it gets so mucky here, i hate not taking a shower after i come in the house.

can't wait till its winter!

imma take a shower now.

peace <3

a words, not a word, till you mean what you say.

i was blogging from my phone the other day and i totally failed b/c i exited out without saving it.

smh, typical nataki act.

&now i don't feel like blogging about it, b/c the feeling is mute now.

dudee, i love my phone.

lately i see no reason for getting on the cpu cause i can do everything i want from my phone now.

1. tweet on twitter. <3

2. check my email

3. youtube

4. listen to music

5. [on occasions] check my fb and myspace

the basics yah know.

well anyway, i learned how to use my phone as a modem now, and that was pretty much the highlight of my week.

lame right?

i'll live.

i feel very great, and even though a lot of other feelings are within me,

i'm very positive about it.

so thats all dandy.

i have orange stuck in my teeth ughhh.

um, what else is knew w/ me?

um, i got my hair braided, lol

oh, i leave in like 2 days.

wow, the time is almost near.

i'm very anxious, kinda nervous.

but it hasn't really sit w/ me yet that when we get in PA my fam will be leaving w/o me.

i don't really have any worries, b/c i feel like i've become a better me these last couple of months.

i'm happy w/ myself.

but i'm sure theres ALWAYS room for improvement.

"perfection is in the eyes of the beholder."

ahh, well imma edit this blog a little bit b/c i don't like it anymore.

i want it to be more simple, and peaceful.

i'm listening to this race assessment for penn state.

so lameeeee.

well, hasta siempre que!

-natx3

having a dream is just the beginning.

so i said i would blog when i felt like.

and boy do i feel like.

at this very moment i feel like i have hit the lowest pits of low.

and its not about any usual thing i've been down about.

its about something that i've been yearning for since i was 10 that has just HIT me.

yeah, i know.

from when i was 10?

i wanted it so bad and i'm really disappointed in myself for getting sidetracked for 4 fuckin years.

i remember when i was 10, this was the ONLY thing on my mind.

and i was so determined.

but idk what happened.

i think i tried to give it up and focus on something else because i was always told that it was unattainable.

but man, looking at other people who have done it.

i'm pretty sure someone tried to crush their spirits and tell them that they couldn't make it either.

i'm fuckin giving myself a headache for crying so hard.

lmfao, i'm so passionate about this but i just feel the need to hold it to myself.

i don't want anyone to run me astray from my goal like last time.

i have a plan and i damn sure plan on sticking with it this time.

i can't believe i didn't stick w/ it b4.

i keep thinking about where i could have been now if i was more persistent and head strong back then.

i keep beating myself up about it.

and then i kept thinking about what everybody [my family] expects of me.

i keep getting lecture after lecture,

and me and my mom have went down this road b4.

i know what she's gonna say.

i KNOW i have potential.

i really have faith in this,

i feel very strongly about how everything is gonna turn out.

this is the worst type of feeling.

b/c a solution can come only with time, dedication and hard work.

i can think and dream big but nothing can happen right now.

thats whats riding my balls.

"..nothing can happen right now."

sigh.

depressing, but the truth.

"...having a dream is just the beginning." <3

lol, watching me and my siggys vid made me feel a little better. lol.

enjoy.

who you are is falling over me.

I know I haven't blogged in a while but really my mind isn't straight.

I really do have a lot to say, but i'm just not ready to say it because I want it to come out right.

I feel like my hopes and dreams are really powering me because I have a different drive now.

But I am a silent dreamer because I've chosen to keep my new aspirations to myself.

I've fallen back into an overly private prick.

&honestly idky.

but corrections will be made.

I always find myself drawing towards music that makes me feel really calm and mellow.

right now i'm really into DEMI LOVATO and LIGHTS.

I know alot of people don't like my music taste and i don't give a rats ass.

its makes me feel good.

I feel really humble and at peace.

and i know i say that all the time but its my favorite feeling to feel.

i feel more in tune with myself and my thoughts.

ahh, well idw force myself to blog.

i'll unprivate this when i get some type of blogs up worth reading about.

haste siempre que!

MAMMA mia!

this summer helped me to reflect a lot

my flaws have been like a slap in the face.

but i realized that i can either accept them or try to improve my weak areas.

i was just watching this vid and the lady was saying that if you want something theres no point in whining about not having, get your ass out there and aim to for it.

which is something i think we all know but we fail to attempt,

like myself.

my reflection is really like a nip in the butt cause its where everyyyyything i've dealt with is coming to a head.

i feel like i'm falling into myself and really starting to see things and people for what they really are.

a good friend told me that isolating myself from people wasn't the ideal answer to solve my problems.

and although it was a totally diff situation...

this time i really did start to isolate myself,

and it proved to back fire in my face cause it made me feel all kinds of ways.

but isolating myself did have a slight advantage..

it made me realize how idiotic i was being.

i'm normally a take things for what they are kind of person..

and i'll worry about the details later.

i'm very analytical but not off the back.

it takes time for me to really understand a meaning within the whole of everything.

i may sound like i'm blubbering but i just feel like everything is REAL right now,

like truly genuine.

theres a rainbow and a pot of gold to every screwed up thing that happens to a person and i'm merely miles away from reaching mine.

smh, what made me think of all this shit?

things that have been blowing my mind all texas chainsaw massacre and shit is finally coming to light.

i feel really at peace with myself.

stupid little petty shit i let bother me,

smh, i'm only human.

but i am smart enough to acknowledge and rectify my mishaps. :]

but on a lighter note.

my damn navy sheik has returned.

shit!

but ahhh :]]]]]]]]]] i can't help it.

i'm pathetic. tsk.

and a wonderfulllll rule that i remembered today:

keep your friends close &your enemies closer.

hmmm huh.

btw:

i soooo made a vid blog,

but i highly doubt i'll put it up.

i'll make another one later.

another btw:

good day! GOOD DAY!

i fell asleep beneath the flowers..

ahh, so i decided to blog while i was in the thinking, blogging mood.

hmm, ya know life is great.

not my life..but life in general.

we have so many roller coasters that we endure in life and i like to think theres a meaning behind it.

it kinda keeps me sane knowing that what i go through betters me in the long run.

i'm a very optimistic person,

i mean i can be very negative at times,

but i force myself to look at things w/ a positive aspect.

ya know sometimes i just sit and think about life,

and why we have the type of people that we have in the world today.

whether they contribute in a positive or negative way..

i think they're all here for some reason.

but anyway,

i noticed that i always think with a strategy in my head.

mostly when i'm worried about something,

or a problem pops up that solely deals w/ myself. lol

like i had a slight tiny predicament today, nothing major,but it bothered the hell out of me.

i can't have a problem and let it go unsettled b/c i'll keep thinking about it, and thinking about it.

i won't be able to sleep and i'll just stay up and think about it and it just makes me feel so ugghhh.

the only way for me to stop is to derive a plan in my head..

&it won't fully go away until i execute it.

it's still kinda bothering me a little so i feel very uneasy right now.

soo i can't wait till tomorrow, cause this is frustrating.

other times i'd have to takes notes or make list and post them somewhere in my room where i'd always look.

it makes me feel better...

um, soo yeah

i recently rejuvenated an old pastime, if you will that i used to love.

i don't wanna say it b/c i think it sounds cliche and i don't wanna be like all the other folks who aspire the same thing but bleh.

this summer i've been like watching jii movies.

idk, i like letting a movie move me lol.

i like the lessons movies teach you in the end and i also like observing the actors.

after a movie is over whether w/e emotion it brings on me i like to wallow in it and think.

whether i cry, or smile, or laugh.

i enjoy it.

today i watch 'the number 23'

ahh, i loved the movie

it was so suspenseful.

it made me remember how great of an actor jim carey is.

bleh, i think i find appreciation in like the simplest things.

hmm, i prob sound like a loser but ah well.

this is the end of my blog.

who knows when i'll blog again.

byee. ;]

anotherthinlinee.blogspot.com

...read my blog foo!

smmfh, people got some nerve.

i'm telling you...

i'm on the brink of not holding my tongue.

pushing my mother fuckin buttons &shit.

>;o

lame. lame. lame. lame.

hmm, i've been thinking alot lately.

i've just been getting really agitated w/ things that i was used to be before.

i'm like on the EDGE of saying something that I believe i will regret.

man i always say i don't feel like myself,

but like wtf is that?

i feel like i change everyday b/c as of now,

the things that i deemed entertaining before...just aren't anymore.

theres so many things that need to be tweaked ya know...

i feel very uncomfortable saying my thoughts to the people that i was used to telling before.

ah, i'm not doing very good @ explaining.

everything is irking me.

ahh, but i was told that maybe i'm thinking of all this hoopla b/c i don't have anything to do w/ myself but who knows.

i'm just concentrating on august 21st in the back of mind b/c i get to...

get away.

but um, imma try to blog more often to get back into my funk.

even if theres no point to my blogs @ all.

i'm becoming too closed again.

um, but to keep you updated../

i'm not a veg head anymore.

yeah yeah, blah blah.

i only eat chicken & maybe turkey tho.

everything else is nasty.

i've always hated beef,

&pork will NEVER EVER touch my lips.

i know i'm being an animal racist, lol

but i still love piggies<3

ahh, i am going natural.

and right now my hair looks like road kill.

but thats b/c i haven't done it in a week.

but when i do it,

it does look next to decent.

still haven't gotten a new phone yet.

lololol,

but i'm working on it.

hmm, i take my driving classes in a couple weeks.

bout fricken time!

i'm undergoing a clothes sheik,

&my eclipse book comes in the mail next week!

whoo woo.

well yeah thats about it for tonight,

imma take a 12am shower

&then eat my chow mangoes.

peace<3

;;]]

howdy!

quick blog,

change in summer goals.

i've been doing some...thinking.

ahahe, but whats new right?

update later when i'm in better shape.

i've been pretty screwed lately.

ahhh, but once again.

whats new?

a change 'tis a coming? lol.

OH!

i had one really important thing to say...

i'm contemplating a decision.

idk...

it will really change me,

like if you thank of nat your think this...

lol

but i know imma hear some crap if i do make this decision.

but i'm kind of sick of having the will power.

kinda thought it was a phase...

i still do care!

but i kindaaa don't wanna be one anymore.

i'll make my decision soon b/c i've been sporadically cheating like a BITCH.

lmfao.

ah well...

it was bound to happen some day.

know what i'm tlking about?

muwhahahaha.

ahehe,

doneee. ;]

i’m not what i was before; i’m not good.

um

*clears throat*

hello!

long time no blog.

ahhh, man i could go on and on about the things that have been bothering me...

but i'd rather not have anyone know what i'm thinking @ the moment.

i wanna be kind of closed and all that other shit.

aha, idk how to blog anymore.

but yeahh,

theres so much stuff going on in my head that i have YET to fix..

and as i continue to stall...

more shit packs up on top.

but eh, thats life?

i'll fix it when i get the chance.

until then i'll just be bitter, mad,annoyed and ehbleheh.

;]

but hmm,

i got my twilight new moon book and i've been reading that,

almost done tho.

whoo woo.

i went to penn state a couple of days ago,

and i felt pretty comfy.

scheduled my classes,

got my ID,

met cool people.

if i was still iffy about my decision to attend that college,

i am 100% sure now.

i think i'm going to enjoy it.

welll,

ehhh.

i'm done blogging.

this wasn't necessary interesting but...

no one said you had to read it.

lol

hasta whenever.

-nat<3

p.s twilight quote again.

mwuahaha ;]

i have a problem..as you can tell.

hmm...

i'm not my biggest fan right now. :/

i’m not used to feeling so human...

sigh, i wish i knew why i felt like this.

i feel so misplaced.

actually i wanna cry...how gay. :/

i feel so jittery

&i'm trying to calm my nerves w/ some owl city.

it used to work back when i use to feel all icky.

but its not cutting it today.

sigh.

i don't have the umph to blog anymore,

but i'm forcing myself b/c its been looking rather dry here lately.

heyy, i'm starting to feel a little better.

well, i finished my twilight book today.

...only took me about a day & a half to read.

i ordered 'new moon' yesterday so it should be on its way pretty soon.

i loved the book!

idk, it made me feel some kinda way.

...a way that i can't really explain just yet. lol

i feel like i'm @ a standstill again.

nothing extraordinary is happening worth blogging about

&nothing terrible has happened either.

i'm just living a straight line until something comes along.

beats having something to complain about any day...i guess.

um, well my phone is officially crap.

go figure?

i'll be being a new phone sooonnnn.

um, so yeah.

i don't have much to say.

so i'm done.

oh btw:

i quoted twilight

hence my blog title.

lol

sry i haven't been updating here that much.

i decided to give my private blog some company.

i'll update soon i suppose. :]

mwuahahahaha/summer goals list.

hmmm, i have a lot of thoughts.

i'll jot them later.

:]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

okay, so its like around 4am and i just got finished watching bride wars,

noww, you would think it's solely about a wedding right?

nay

it kinda touched how i was feeling and i balled like a baby

which isn't something new cause we all know i'm an emotional whore...

can't change that.

*shrugs*

but ehh, so there were two bestfriends w/ a falling friendship

you wouldn't know what i'm tlking about unless the watched the movie..

so you should!

but until then imma still say what i wanna say

i felt like the emma to the liz in the movie,

not just to the liz, but i feel like the emma in general.

i'm so passive and i don't really speak on what i want.

it just aggravates the hell outta me.

i hate the feeling that 'someones walking ovr me'

like i don't want things to happen or i wanna say things but i don't and i just let things slide on by.

it's upsetting me

&i feel kinda unhappy about it.

maybe i'm just going through some emotional thing b/c i haven't cried in a while

but i'm just so eh.

i really felt and feel like i'm changing

i mean i AM.

but once again i feel like i'm gaining,

i'm loosing something in return as well.

i feel like my personality is falling

idk, i just don't feel like myself.

but you know i was eating a fortune cookie today and this was my fortune:

"Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change."

not completely hitting the hammer on the nail,

but the key word there was CHANGE.

but i mean we all knew that was coming..

i stress that SO many times it get exhausting typing it lol

but change,

i totally forgot about my summer goals and thats such a shame.

and this was summer goal #1!

so imma make a list in this blog and keep 'em coming as i think of more.

i'm getting so sick of this happy for a couple of weeks blah the next week thing i got going on.

but eh, thats life.

i didn't get into any specifics b/c i'd rather not hear anybodys mouth about my blog.

SUMMER GOALS!:

• be assertive, LESS passive.
• EXERCISE
• FORGET THAT SHIT EN! [lol, i think thats close to being accomplished] CHECK!
• get my industrial, left ear.
• HMM, read more.
• buy new phone
• driving classes
• dr. martens!!!!

more goals will be added in a timely manner. :::]]]

di da doo; lifes good.

hmm, i still haven't grasp the entirety of this whole life changing situation.

i mean everytime i think about it i wanna cry

but idky.

it can't possibly be b/c yesterday was the last time i would see all my friends 

b/c we do have the whole summer!

i mean i have a grad party to go to friday!

lol

but i just feel emotional about the whole thing :/

well moving on:

i find myself wanting this 'thing' more &more.

like i just wanna be around it.

&i think i wanna stop myself b/c i don't want it to turn out to be more than i want it to.

b/c i CAN and i WILL control it!

hmph.

but ummm yeah,

this is just an all ovr the place blog.

i thought i was gonna get my laptop yesterday 

but apparently she wants to drop by sometime to drop nit off

b4 she goes back to NC.

it better be on the days i'm home b/c yeahhhhh.

i feel abnormal &my body hurts.

i'mm waiting for my veggie burger to cook.

yup,yup.

ehhh, waste of a blog.

i wanttttt ALOT.

tsktsk.

these memories come back to life<3

ahh, so this is just gonna be a time filler blog.

i'm bored and i'm waiting till 6 b/c i maybe might possibly be going to skateworks.

hmmm, i kinda feel like a n00bz b/c thats not my scene.

but life is about changeeee...

ahh, speaking of change.

i graduate tuesday.

i have vast mixed emotions about it.

like i wanna graduate!

but graduating feels like the end...

idw leave HS and all that it brought me..

attending RHS has changed me so much.

if someone were to ask me if i enjoyed my HS years i would say no.

lol.

10th grade was and will always be the best year ever to me.

i loved it..

even though i was an emotional wreck that WHOLE year...

it was the year that i started the road to finding my own.

i just remember two prime things from that year.

me crying like all the timee about ehhhh :/

and me acting like an idiot dancing and shit.

ahhh i loved 10th grade year<3

9th grade i was such a fuckin loser.

i used to wear cornrolls lololol.

w/ lil frilly stuff at the end.

ickkk

i didn't talk to anyone w/ the exception of my little circle and morgs.

i ignored people,

i was antisocial.

omg, i hatedddd that year.

i still had a bunch of my middle school friends that i no longer talk to anymore b/c i've change and shit.

and i'm so glad that i did b/c i think it would have strayed me in a totally diff direction.

i think 9th grade was the year that me and my sig kinda started talking more...

but 10th grade is when we started to get really close.

i think if i wouldn't have started talking to her as much i would have gotten really close to this girl named jaquita...&i would have been all kinds of fucked up.

lolol,

so thank you morgs, thank you. lol

but anywhooo,

i forgot where i was going w/ this.

lolol, i really forgot what i was talking about..

but um yeah,

11th grade was better.

i knew who i hung out w/and ish.

i think this was my weirdest year b/c the things i wore were kinda bizarre.

omg and my hairrr,

i liked it at the time but now that i looked back at it...

idk what the hell i was thinking.

hmm, 11th grade wasn't really anything special to me..

12th grade.

pwhewww,

i went through alot of personal shit as you may be able to tell from this blog and the one i had b4 that is now private.

lol.

that ish is staying private to!

but mann, i think this year forced me to become really comfortable w/ myself and to think on my own.

i realized alot about my friends that i thought were the best.

&it made me think wiser about the things i do, the people i'm close to and the decisions i make.

throughout all the shit i went through i'm thankful b/c they taught that me valuable life lessons that i NEEDED to learn.

it also made me comfortable w/ this hmm, 'category of folks' lol.

i tried to keep that vague.

i'm better w/ it!

but i still have work.

i feel more independent &it's weird.

in the past when i felt to myself i kind of felt alone.

but i know i'm not alone and i still do depend on people when i need to.

i just have a better idea of the people who are worth depending on...

i think that was phrased right.

lol

oh! and the people that deserve to have an imput on my life.

ooo, but i really like how i dress and how my hair is this year...

well after i cut it that is.

oh and my makeup lol.

oh shit, i'm feeling myself again. 

lololol

but yeahhh i def didn't love HS,

there were some times that i enjoyed.

but i'm glad that i went through this whole experience.

it molded me into a pretty nifty person.

i went in ehh, 

not feeling the best about myself 

and i'm leaving a pretty confident and self satisfied person!

:]]]

so throughout these four yrs i kept a whole bunch of crap.

movie tickets, paper wrist bands, cards, every littlee shit.

soo i'm gonna make a scrap book w/ all that junk...

i have one from middle school too.

i shall me putting one together ovr the summer.

lol.

well i think i'm done.

imma find something else to do w/ my life until i leave.

lol

peace<3

-en.