the con [my list]

hmm, so i'm watching my old videos of me dancing and i miss that shit.





this year i kind of let me fade.
i'm not an idiot, pshh, well i am, but not as, much as i used to be.
i guess you mature with age and time, but fuck that shit.

i'm scared and i started to care about what people thought.
and even though it's natural to do so,
it's to the extent in which i cared that phases me.

but this weekend made me realized
[omfg i'm shaking!]
morgs makes me feel really comfortable,
like i can let go and be a stupid idiot around her b/c she's my sig of course.

like when i was at her house i was being so dumb,
i haven't done that in a while.
i enjoyed it,
lmfao.

ahh so thats another thing i need to break out of.
no one here gives me that comfort that she does.
she's fuckin missing!
ughh, so now i have to give myself some comfort so i can start being myself again.

if she still went to rhs,
this year would be so diffrent.
but ughh

smfh, i've been saying that since forever and i'm still not over it.
tisktisk

so heres my list for my self improvements this year:
[i guess it goes hand in hand with my new years resolution]

[1.] become more comfortable, even if it has to be forced.
it'll become natural in due time.

[2.] stop thinking so much,
i know it sounds unattainable,
but i mean with me caring about how i would look if i did such and such.
just do *but not for EVERYTHING*
[haha, that was me and booms motto for the summer]
lammee.

[3.] be more productive,
be more studious, get my head straight, strive,
i've been getting extremely lazy
it's time to fix that and get myself back on tracks.
studyyyyy, gah.

[4.] secular change
i just see room for improvement,
not like insecure, but things that i wanna do to change, i guess
my fuckin hair is shit. the way i dress is getting kind of getting boring to me,
i wanna clean myself up a bit b/c people often associate me with things being messy and abnormal, and thats all cool and i don't mind but i kind of wanna stray away from that a bit.

[5.] start being a little bit more polite and appreciative to my mother,
i'm not a bratty, but i've kind of been about me ALOT like i usually would ask her how her day was and stuff but when i'm near her it's like i always have something i need to do and i get annoyed when she ask me questions or w/e when i do it.
i've been to myself alot this couple of weeks at home. i need to spend more time with her and be a little more considerate. she already has it hard b/c teanas a fuckin case. ahh, i need to step up and be more of an example even though i'm 100% positive teys not gonna change her shit.

[6.] trust and be a little more out there again.
after i went through that whole trust episode with my 'close friends' it messed me up. i hate telling people stuff b/c nobody is worthy of it. but i think i'm getting a better understanding of who i can trust and how much i can trust them with. i know i can trust morgs, theres no doubt about that. i can tell marcia alot, di is trust worthy. he has morgan like capabilities. lmfao. urm, boom, oh and keera. i really like her right now. she's really trust worthy to me right now, maybe b/c she adores me, but i can text her anytime i have a problem. ooo, which leads me to my next #.

[7.] start caring about other peoples problems again.
ugh, i was so sick of being the person who helps everyone out but when i have a freakin problem my voice isn't heard. so i ceased caring and giving people sympathy and advice. but it's time to fix that.

hmm, i can't think of anymore.
but judging by the way i think,
i WILL be adding more.
=]

i have to wash dishes now. =/

la la land machine

urghhflibbilflabbb

i was originally gonna type this on my other blog but wtfe.

sundays i always seem to go through a rage of emotions.
likeee idk
but today i was really sad.

but every time i get sad i try to think of an optimistic loophole.

but gahh, anyway.
i overthink ALOT.
smfh, it's ridiculous.

*checks phone note*

ugh, i'm kind of going through this thing where i feel really inadequate and uncomfortable
like unsafe in my skin.
like i feel like i wanna discard myself and start anew.
like these last couple of days i feel like i've been floating and not really grasping whats in front of me.
i yearn for change like a starving ethiopian.
i want to start off freshh.

i keep going through this 'me not knowing whether i should be private or not' thing.
like i was just about to make both of my blogs visible to myself.
tisk.

i also kinda feel kind of out of it w/ cia and boom.
like i am tryna distance myself a bit,
idky,
but i really don't want to.

idk, i feel like i've been pushed off my tracks.
this is my everlasting motherfuckin annoying ass funk!

i don't wanna carry this shit onto '09.

so i wanna correct the things that have been bothering me.
get it off my chest, though they're not all gonna go my way.
i wanna do it!

i have a list.
hardy har.

initially i was gonna drop everything,
ahhh, but i decided to rectify everything
i've been kinda of 'not talking' to her the whole break.
not on purpose, just blah.

so i decided to tell her what was up.
[haha, that sounded kinda black] tisktisk
i didn't have a mindset of how i thought it would go but the way it did was kind of unexpected.

i admit,
i was very inconsiderate.

this is actually the second time i've been in a misunderstanding like this.

but the way she went about it was diff.
holding animosity against me?
gahh, and she wasn't even gonna say anything to me about it.

i always take an initiative and try to fix things,
well most of time.
well when it's bothering me...

but theres not much i can do if she tries to drop the convo all the time.
ugh

i'm done with that.

ohh,
i miss being an idiot.
sometimes my idiocy seems kind of forced and uncomfortable.
but gahh

ooo so i have a new years resolution list.
lol

it's not as long as i thought it would be,
but the main objective is CHANGE!

change in self,
change for the better.
just changeeeee!
ahhh.

ooo, i had these things called mochi today.
lol they're so good. =]

hmm, i think i'm done.

better run before you drown.

i keep typing blogs and never post them.
ahh, but wtfe

it's coming closer to that time where my change is coming to a start.
i still have a few distractions to get through but that won't hurt much.

i have a good mindset,
now it's time for me to put it to action.

i have a oppy feeling that everything is gonna work out.

i feel like this is something i have to do for myself.
like an inside thing..

[akahakahaka, so i can type w/o looking at the keyboard now. =] lmfao]
i thank my qwerty keyboard.
sadsad

but anyway,
yeahhh, i just really hope i stick with it this time.
but heyyy, the seconds times a charm
right?

oh, but theres one thing i'm doing a poor job w/ getting over.
tiskfuckingtisk

i've been feeling pretty blah,
luckily this is a good blah.
like calmmm. =]
i'm actually enjoying wasting away my days watching movies with my sis,
and all that good junk.

but more than likely nxt week will be more productive than ever.

ooo, the years almost out.
new year resolution?

i have so many, but i want one general one!
*thinks*
ahh, i'll have one posted her in due time.

ooo, and i cut my hair is like a little less than week.
ahhh =]

gah, my sperm went back to NC too.
whoo, hopefully he doesn't come back.

so yeah bam,
i have to finish typing my Hamlet essay,
so i shall bid adieu.

lean like a chola.

lmfao;
i think that song is so funny.

ughh, i'm procrastinating like shit.
i should be fuckin studying for bio b/c i don't know squat
but ughughugh i don't want to.
bleh.

sooo i went xmas shopping today,
i like think i did pretty okay being as though i buy crappy things with my money.
luckily my mom was with me or i would have spent that shit w/o touching the importants first.

hmm, but bam, today was a pretty good day.
better than i expected.
i think i was being a pessy expecting the worst from it but it was cool.

plus, i saw my siggy today woot woot.

so yeah, i have nothing really blog worthy to say.
i'm about to attempt to study...

thank gawd i have no first period tomorrow,
i can squeeze some studying in.

zombie.

blah, so i was gonna blog about junkjunkshit.
but i'm not in the mood for ranting.

i feel pretty indescribable.
like everything is at a standstill.
i'm pretty sure something will happen tomorrow worth blogging about.

i can't wait for these last two days to speed by.
i don't feel like engaging in conversation with certain people.

i feel kinda blank.

*turns on music*

ahh, i forgot how much i loved zombie by the cranberries.
aww, it was the first thing i learned on the guitar.

tisk, i haven't picked up that thing in ages.

smh, so i'm being a lame looking up Hamlet quotes.

and now i have a stupid ass cough again.
i've been coughing for like decades now.
smfh.

ahh,
i keep contemplating about this college thing,
clarion or penn state?
bleh bleh bleh.

i have to decide whether imma accept or reject clarion by feb so hopefully i make the right decision.

ooo, so i cleaned my room today...
well partially.
jumping around singing to B5 w/ your little sis does wonders.
akahakahakaha

[lmfao; it's so funny when my mother gets mad]

my mind is fuddled;
i need to clear it.

ahh, a simple little mind jot never hurt anybody...

la da dee la dee da
i bid adieu.

she can swallow knives.

what is going on with me tonight?
i can't stop blogging!

so i decided to start another one.

ahh, so talking to morgs is making me feel so much better.
like b4 i got on the cpu i was feeling kinda melancholy
but talking to her made me feel so much better.

so me, cia and boom were talking about new years eve.
and we're gonna plan like this dinner thing
and we're gonna bring the new years in w/ our immediate friends
&state our resolutions.
but thats besides what i wanted to say...

so i'm coming closer to me establishing what my new years resolution will be.
i wanna start the new year diffrent.
i wanna get all this problem shit off my chest,
fix it to my satisfaction and start the new year off fresh.
no problems, no worries.
new nat, new nataki, new en, new motherfuckin me!

so i look at these last days of this year as my prep.

lol, i'm thinking kind of materialistic and i nvr really do.
like i said b4 i wanna improve myself.

geez me and my sig think alike<3
okay so it's like 3am and i have church &work tomorrow so i need to go to sleep.

peace<3

reality is truly scaring meee

okay, so for english we have like this mondo important packet due and it cannot be late b/c pastuer is in the hospital. I've kinda started on some of it but I have like a bulk of it left.
I have to write an essay and 5 poems and some worksheets and shit.
it's not alot but the essay and the poem requires my complete concentration and i've been so sidetracked lately.
i'm not looking forward to doing it but imma get some out of the way tonight.

i also have this stupid ass packet shit for klawoon but i think thats due when we come back.

i have to make sure i apply for FAFSA during the first week of january.

i also have to like start studying for bio again.
like i have everything i need to do on my mind.

i've been so lazy with everything.
tisktisk

i need to go to my bank and give them a mofo copy of my acceptance letter so i can get my damn credit card.
gahh!

[ughh, i'm typing my moms stupid essay shit]

Ooo, so me and cia have an addicted to these specific chocolates.
I like york mints and she likes there lindt chocolate balls.
so everyday after school we'd go to 7-eleven and buy some.

so like my freshman [devil] surprised us with like uber early xmas presents.
he bought me a big bag of york mints and her a big bag of that nasty ball shit.
haha

that was so sweet.
and being as though i was mad at him he redeemed himself.
woot.

i kept pinching his cheeks
hardy har har

but anyway, as i'm on the cpu im just gonna leave a new post blog tab open so i can like jot my thoughts down as i go.
so i'm drowning my kugfeugfeuigfe in music.
i really like line and sinker right noww. =]

i wanna crawl in a hole and let maggots eat me a live.
lol, i thought that sounded cool.

i'm really clicking w/ k right now.
only for the sole reason that everything i say she agrees with me.
like i could say i think green octopuses should inherit the earth and she would think it was the awesomest thing ever.
that girl adores me.
and during this funk, i need a little fan at the moment.

[here goes that shaking again]
bleh, i feel nauseous. =/


time to be productive...
geez i love this blog soo much better.

*added*
so i'm doing my hamlet hw and i find Shakespeare's quotes soo interesting.
i really like this one..
"...one may smile, and smile, and be a villain"
ahhh, pertains to my situation so well.

smh, i keep updating this blog.
so yeah, i'm feeling a little better,
since people like dropping bombs in my face.
tisk.

but lol, this shakespeare stuff is making me really excited.
ahh, i'm such a lame.

ooo, i talked to my guidance counselor and he was lecturing me about needing to know what exactly i wanna do in psych and that i need to have the mind set to plan on getting my phD.
gahh, too much to take in.
which reminds me i have to send my waiver in to clarion.

so yeah, i def need to get my shit in order.

lol, okay this will be my last time updating..
originally i had something else in mind but now
this will be my permanent blog and my other one will be in complete privacy,
well not complete but 99.9% complete.
*points at you*

so yeah,
bam, i'm done.

lmao,
okay i lied.
this is really sad,
i feel like i'm venting alot.
ahh,
2009 = new beginnings.
i stole, but hey...

hardy har har:

K00L kidnatx3: i need to release some frustration and murder somebody

K00L kidnatx3: !!!!

e m j a y o a t h: u need to get a hobby where u release ur frustrations

K00L kidnatx3: like shooting people?

okay this mouse is screwing me over, so i'm def done now.

time for a change brah!

okay;
pwhew

so this day has effected me massively in a positive way.
there will be changes made,
and i will be sure of that!

so aiding in the office gets extremely boring so i started to think and writee.
I wrote this uber long 2 page rant and I will be summing it up on here but laterr.

so every year I go through this 'i put my foot down change thing'
like last year i made a new years resolution to stop eating meat.
in the beginning it started off as me trying to commit myself to something i could stick through and actually accomplish.
sigh, b/c i was going through some personal problems.

now a year has almost passed and my goal is well over accomplished.
initially i wanted to try to go for atleast 6 months but when i started doing research i developed a passion for animal rights and shit. =]

that was also around the time that i was getting over a likage.
it kept me concentrated on something that i really wanted to accomplish.
thats one of the reasons why i started that updates thing on my myspace page...

so yeah,
i plan on doing that again, but in a diff way.
i wanna make another change w/n myself...another new years resolution.
i wanted to go green, but that seems very unrealistic right now
[though i can still try]

so i'm still thinking about what exactly my resolution will be.

last week was depressing,
i keep dwelling on it.
smh.

but i plan on doing something to change it.
ahh, starting with my blog.

so i'm gonna screw things up a bit.
i'm gonna adjust my link on my original blog change it to this one.
i'm not gonna reveal my blog link to anyone except my other two faithful bloggers
[emkaydien]
so now when you go on thisspilledcanvas.blogspot.com you will see this blog.

i feel like i express myself a little better on here.
it feels more comfortable.
idy.

*thinks*
so yeah now that thats settled,
i can start blogging.

i'm human,
i get jealous.
geez i get jealous.

i think it's already established who i like...
but so did pb at one point in time.
as much as she denies it i'm not dumb,
i can still see that she likes him,
likeee when i told her we liked each other she cried.
=/

but anyway,
i just get a little jealous b/c they text during school
and i'm like right there everytime...
i mean it's really not nothing.
but since i think i know how she feels i get jealous.
and b/c i wasn't getting txted hmph.

so unintentionally it makes me feel a certain way..
it's been bothering me for the past two days,
but i guess i'm getting over it.

[grr my foot went to sleep]

soo back to my change thing,
ahh, i've slackin a lot.
and i just feel really comfortable not trying to do anything.
but thats extremely terrible.

like hollands has been telling me i'm slipping in bio.
like blehh, i know.
when i go home i don't even open my book bag.
i squeeze in my hw on my free lst period on A days.
i haven't studied in like forever.

[ooo, i just got new PETA stickers!]

but yeah,
i'm slackin and that needs to fixed.
so over the break i plan on adjusting that dramatically.
\i plan on starting my change...

ahh, i need to start being more organized too b/c everything i own is a mess.
my room, my closet, my binder
sadsad.

though it's an organized mess, it's a mess.

[smh, i'm shaking for some odd reason]

but anyway,
overall i had a pretty awesome day.

my blogs on here always seem to be longer,
so yeah i need to take my bra off,
lmfao.
it's becoming annoying.
yeah i'm done now.
lol.

patrolling! they tryna catch me ridin dirtyy.

so i'm in a good mood.
yelling and acting like an idiot really does wonders.

lmao;
so i'm being a lame listening to chamillionaire riding dirty.
hardy har har
i love this song.
*turns it back on*

i'm gonna title this blog after it.
haha

but anyway,
i kinda forced myself to have a good day b/c i refused to sulk any longer.
i had a week and now that week is over.

i feel like i have to improve my life to my satisfaction.
and sadly i wasn't satisfied, and now i know that,
so now i'm gonna fix it.

i really wanna improve myself.
i think every time morgs goes through something she makes me reflect back on myself.

i really wanna cut my hair.
and thats def gonna happen.

but now i'm thinking about piercings.
mostly my ears right now.
i plan on wearing studs and putting my 4 holes to use.
[no pun]
when or around the time i get my hair cut i'm gonna buy some and get my eyebrows arched.

it's just i want to be a little diff.
i don't wanna be so our there and get noticed but then again i do.
i want to be noticed w/o having to be so out there w/ my clothings.
i wanna be kinda simple.

but i lovee how i am.
but i can't dress like that forever.
maybe my hair will cause me to change a little and still be the same
so we'll see about that.

urmm, i was thinking about exercising and all that good stuff.
but i'm too fuckin lazy.
i tried it b4 and i know i won't stay committed.
imma just cut down on how much i eat and junk.

exercising and me don't mix.

so me and my friend k we're talking about di and how everybody used to like him.
including herself, d and c

lmao, i was getting jealous even though i didn't like him that much back then.

i keep listening to old ass music.
now i'm listening to pinks first cd.
i loved that shit.
mann,i still have the cd even though it skips a bit.

but anyway,
i'm enjoying having this composure.
although theres things i don't feel so sure about,
it's like what do i wanna do..?

sulk about it, and whine about not being happy?
or fix that shit and move on w/ my life?!

i wanna go by the words of the millionaires "live life"
life is too short to worry about our fuckin miseries.
i wanna have a pure positive aspect on life.
having peace in my life.
as unrealistic thats what i believe.

but mann,
i need to get rid of this little cold shit that i have still harboring my throat.

i can't sing like i used to.
though i like this voice.
I CAN'T FUCKIN SING!!
it's so irritating.
ugh ugh ugh

i'm cominggg out,
so you better get this party started!
hehe, euphoria out.
<3

i am NOT afraid!

sigh,
don't you know those days where you feel good but the bad still wants to win.
thats my day today.

it was great,
but little stuff that have been badgering at my mind are tryna get me down.
but i'm strong and i'm gonna fight it.
but isn't a good cry needed sometimes?
i mean i don't remember the last time I have cried..

haha, i remember when i was tryna cry but i never could,
thats was about a few weeks ago [or maybe more]
but when something really good happened to me,i cried.
odd huh?

lol,
thats weird.
ooo, the last time i cried was when i found out i got a B in bio.
but those we're happy tears b/c i was proud of myself.

[ahh famous last words is my song of the moment;
it's making me cry, lol]

man idk,
i feel like this is my year to find myself.
to become self satisfied b/c i know that when i go to college i won't have the same support group that i have now.
it's like i'm finally finding my niche and who i am as a person.

i'm comparing this year to all my other ones and this year is were i truly feel self sufficient.
like man i was really confident in my 10th grade year, but i was soooo emotionally depressed.
sigh, thats when those things happened...
but i've grown from that..

but anyway;
even though that goal won't officially be accomplished until i'm a certain age.
i'm pretty happy with myself.

i just wish my outward appearance was to my standards.
haha;
i find it odd that i can just keep typing flowing words out.
ahh, this is what a good personal reflection is for.

but anyway,
i wish i looked the way i felt.
lately i haven't been into my clothes.
i hate my hair..my size. bleh
thats really sad b/c i love myself, just not how i look....
i mean i'm not insecure, but gah..

but i think i should look so much better b/c i feel so much better
but instead of whining about it i plan on taking charge and making a change.
sooo steps to full nat self satisfaction is well on it's way.
starting with my hairr...

ahh;
every time i think about how i'm growing i can't help but smile.
i'm starting to truly love me,
with some minor imperfections..
but hey, nobody's perfect.
and i'm living proof of that.

=]