E M J A Y O A TH (10:01:13 PM): *BEEP* is dumb ahehe, yizahh

ACTUALLY i found my urge to blog again.

you know i honestly put eveything in the past.

i forgave & ya di ya di ya...

but like i said things aren't the same...

but enough about the past...

the PRESENT

idc who annoys you

idc if your not happy w/ whos going

idc if your mad about how long that persons staying either

but psffttt.

you got a lot of nerve telling me he's annoying ranting

& shit like your words were gonna change a thing.

ugh

smh, YOU GOT SOME FUCKIN NERVE.

suck that shit up!

i kept it kosher.

*fake smiles*

so anywho,

something happened tonight and it makes me feel like the middle man again.

ain't that some shit?

when will she learn?

screw your head on tight bitch, don't be dumb for the dick.

lololololol.

see i have a little thug in me.

*puts up '4crew' gang sign*

-----all fun&jokes-----

but yeahhh,

i feel all bad such for my madre b/c it's too much stress.

i have to eb the good seed among the rotten one.

*points at her*

ehh.

i'm sure she doesn't even care.

my emotions flew all over the place today.

oh goodieeee!

---sarcasim---

i feeeellll eh?

i'm sick of fam drama

i'm sick of people

i'm sick of having to deal w/ shit

i'm sick of working

i'm sick of worrying

i'm sick of feelings

i'm sick of everything.

i'm FED UP

did you hear me?

FED THE FUCK UP.

i wanna crawl in a hole &seperate myself from everything

better yet...

*traces oval around body*

this is ME in a nutshell.

yes, yes...

imma newfound mitchell davis fan.

ahaha.

PEACE!

mehhh? eh

sooo, i think i'm gonna force myself to blog...

idk how this is gonna go

i'm just gonna type and yeahhhhh

ahahaha

so i've been watching mitchell davis & chanceys youtube vids for about a while now.

ahhhh, they're so cool.

they make me wanna make sweet vids &such.

i was gonna make a video and attempt to edit it but i got lazy.

everyday i'm hating my job more & more.

likee i just go b/c i'd rather just have my own money& not ask mi madre.

i don't needd a job, 

but if i want the things that i want then i better keep that shit.

i was gonna stay on the little college thing where i leave for school and then when i come back on like winter & summer break & junk i could work there...

but being as though i'm movingg.

i might just quit.

ahaha, but it all depends on where i move...and if i'm actually moving at all.

but if i have to saty there...

ugh i mind as well just suck it up,

where else am i gonna get flexible 4 hour shifts w/ a 50 cent raise every 6 months?

lololol

sooo, yeah.

i think the reason i kinda haven't been blogging is b/c i have to sit down and just think about me...

i think i talk about me too much, actually i'm getting sick of talking about me.

i go through the same stupid shit.

ahahaha.

nothing new really.

i sporadically get sad over something thats taking FOREVER to go away.

i hate people.

people piss me off.

i randomly getting depressed.

&ya di ya di ya.

luckily i've been feeling pretty sweet.

i kinda feel like i'm pulling away...but not really.

lol like i told you this blog is going no where.

so i was thinking last night i feel like i'm at a standstill.

everythings happening but i'm not really taking anything in.

i try to tell myself to live in the now...ya know the moment &such.

i guess it's been helping.

things are happening,

but i don't necessarily feel a certain way about them.

i just feel there...

lol, idt that makes sense.

but ehhh w/e,

i don't understand why i must be so fricken shy.

like i was being really shyyy,

well not really...but more shy then usual.

& my comfort zone was around.

tsktsktsk smmfh!

i'm working on it tho.

ahaha,

like kayla said we 'gon be fighting. 

lolololol

hmm, so yeah...

random facts:

my sis bought a hermit crab today...ehhh

it's actually pretty nifty looking.

my hair looks like uberly niice on the first day i do it 

mizann like i washed my hair  friday night and it looked so niiiceee.

ahhh!

my opinions about people change everyday

i hate answering my house phone

i go prom jewelry shopping this week

&i get fitted for my dress friday.

weeee!

=]

...time to call my gma in NC. =/

adios<3

loserface.

hmmm, so it's only every once & a while i feel like this.

i hide it very well.

i strive to get over it but this fucking shit keeps coming up!

i was reading my old phone notes and that did no justice whatsoever. 

lololol.

i'll get over it by the end of the night..same as usual.

i've been getting extremely annoyed lately.

kinda sulky...

people don't know wth to say out their mouths sometimes.

a whole bunch of stupid emotions and shitshitshit is running through my head.

making me feel some kinda way.

sigh. =/

a rant is wellllll on its way!

just a jot...

grrr,
that seems to be the operative word tonight.

sigh, this is just gonna be a little jot b/c i don't feel like elaborating.
i wish i was a better friend.
i think i'm pointing out my own flaws about myself that no one else sees
but i feel like i've been so wrapped up on me.
totally unlike me too...i'm not necessarily a 'me' talker but ehhh.

i wanna blog,
but blogging doesn't seem like a want anymore...
i more so do it when i need to.

omfgawd..i just got an IM from an annoyance of a person.
gayyyyy =/

i'm out.

don't let it go to your head...

yayayaya!

fefe befriended me on myspace

<3

well, idrw be on the cpu.

but i just decided to updated my blog b/c i needed an outlet to vent.

so much for starting off the week swelll.

ever since sunday night i've been feeling like shit

ohhh and last night i felt even worst.

i finally got to cry tho...took a couple of days.

but boy oh boy did i need it.

hmm, imma get the bad stuff outta the way first.

well my saddened mood is due to a couple of things that have been finally coming to a head.

hmm, well i guess my emotions are prob surrounding school,

nooo, not the school work b/c honestly i could give a damn at this point in time.

but school coming to an end is what i'm worrying about.

i wanna get out of school just as much as any of my other senior friends..and i've been counting down the days and all but it's coming to a point where i'm actually realizing that these ARE the last weeks or months or w/e that i will be seeing these people.

like after prom, graduation and senior day and shit..i won't see these people anymore.

&what makes it even worst is that i'm moving soon.

it feels like the life that i've known and come accustomed to is changing...

everyones going to diff schools,

leading diff lives.

like EM said i'm over thinking it too soon and too much but gahhh,

things are really gonna change.

i won't have the same friendship with the people i've known in HS for the past 4 yrs b/c in reality we're gonna start growing apart.

i know how hard it is for me to become comfortable with change.

as much i love it...change is good but it's hard to deal with it when it's in the beginning sometimes.

mann, the year is damn near over and i JUST became comfortable w/ a couple of things now...

smfh, and what makes it worst is that i'm moving...to a diff state mind you.

shit is gonna be really hard.

as much as all my friends aren't the best,

they still are the people that i've became comfortable w/ and i'm accustomed to being around...

starting over new..mannn thats gonna be a bitch.

sigh.

here comes the bitch tears...

is it bad that i don't really wanna go to prom?

i mean of course i wouldn't miss it..but idrw go.

esp since i'm feeling like i don't have a set niche or a group of friends that i love being around anymore.

i think it's b/c i kinda of unintentionally surrounding myself w/ a 'clique' 

like people i'm alwaysssssss around.

&thats find and all but we've become to drift apart.

things aren't like they use to be.

i've realized that i'm really diff and i just enjoy diff things.

i still enjoy their company and i enjoy them but idk...it's not the same,

and i can't force it anymore.

i fear that i won't have fun b/c of this...like i don't want prom to suck.

i'm really glad that i'm going w/ kay b/c he's all losery and immaturely funny

makes me feel kinda comfy ya know?

i just wish everything would kinda go a little slower but still go at a fast pace.

i'm not ready to be depressed b/c i know it's coming.

i'm an emotional little bitch...LOL can't help it.

my tears will ballllllllllllllllllll

the good thing is i found myself hiding it very well.

i'm trying not to dwell and just enjoy everything as it is b/c i know time is limited.

idw be an emotional reck the last 4 weeks of school and shit.

i've gotten a little stronger since my last kljhfilherjtkhtjkrht mood so i can take a couple of punches i guess.

okay so good things!

i got my prizoommmmm dress bitch!

it goes perfecto w/ the look i wanna go for so now i can start all the little odds and ends us females have to do for prom.

it wasn't the color i had in mind tho.

it's kinda funny b/c i wanted a yellow or royal blue dress but ever since i was in 9th grade i always said i wanted the color dress that i have now...

but yeah, 

thats great.

even tho my mom put me through shit so we could make it at the prom place.

but yahyah, i love it &such.

[ahh, kay made me loose my train of thought]

but umm, yeah.

one of my necklaces that i won from ebay came today!

i think imma wear it tomorrow. =]

ohh, and jr prom is this weekend.

i can't wait to hosttt.

ooo, and i'm going to coldestones manana!

ahhhh, =]]]

lalalalala, well i'm distracted b/c i just got on the phone.

so adiossss<<3

i'll have more to rant about soon...

i know it.

**friends**

[my little reminder] 

salting my wounds.

jesus, nat;

just slap yourself into a mood again.

agahfagah.

i'll update laterrrrr. =/

-------------------------------------------------------------

i'm glad to say that i'm feeling very better.

lately,i get in like this random ass funk...but it nvr last really long.

like it comes to a head and then it goes away,

well for the time being of course.

idky but i'm kinda excited to go back to work.

lol, even tho i have to call out nxt sat so i can host jr. prom.

they're gonna be mad.

but wtfeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

so me and my lil sis busted out asses today cleaning the house freakin house.

i mean it's the least we can do after what happened yesterday.

it looks so neattttt.

----------------------------------------------------------

okay, so imma make this like little multiple blogs.

i just wanna jot.

so it's: April 13th, 2009

@12:40am

i was so off my game @ work today.

lol, typing wrongs codes and shit.

eh.

thats what i get for missing days.

lalalala,

i was thinking about how awkward i am.

like i'm really awkward and shy.

idk,. i prob said this b4 but i stumble over my words and i say incomplete sentences when i try to explain myself to random people and shit.

it's annoying.

i need to work on being a little more assertive and firm 

i concentrate on not coming off rude,

&i wanna be respectful at times,

but doing so makes me feel like a bitch.

&then theres this thing we're i'm so sympathetic 

&i don't wanna hurt peopls feelings.

and yadiyadiya.

when i go to college i don't wanna be all awkward &junk,

b/c i don't wanna come off as naive and easy to take advantage of.

hmm, i think it's a confidence thing.

well w/e.

ahhh, i gotta work on that b/c i'm kinda beating myself up.

like i'm so awkward it's urking me...eh.

i guess we all have flaws we gotta work on,

i'm not gonna be satisfied w/ everything i do.

but that shit needs to STOP

---------------------------------------------------------

on to a lighter note:

it is now 12:48am

LOL

i ordered like 3 things off of ebay.

i was impulse shopping and i'm realizing i have an ebay problem.

everytime i fricken go on there i always bid for something

&i get the jitters when it comes like [...] close and i'm about to win it.

smh.

nxt week?

oh please, oh please.

=]

ahh, well i'm done.

for some reason i've caused myself to shake...

eh.

peace<3

-----------------------------------------------------------

oh joy...

it is now 1:12am

&i seem to have placed myself in a saddened mood again.

=/

uraummmm, WOW

spring break is where i get alot of me time.

i start to think alotttttttttt.

but i mean, i guess that isn't the case this time.

but my eyes have opened up alot today.

am i as real as everybody thinks i am?

like sometimes i think i'm pretty fake. 

idy, i mean right now i don't.

i KNOW i'm not.

but ehhh, it's just a thought.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

wow, i was gonna stop blogging but what i just read just caused me to wanna type about this some more.

like man, people often tell me that i try to be like morgan,

and sometimes it gets to me.

i mean of course it is if i'm hearing it allllllllllllll the time.

i do acquire some things from morgan,

&vice versa.

i acquire things from alot of people.

i mean being around somebody allll the time you tend to pick up some of their habits.

likeee, kayla.

she says this thing 'of course not' and idky i picked it up but i did and i can't stop saying it!

urgh!

like sometimes i feel like a sponge.

i hear something or i see something i like and i unconsciously pick it up.

it's annoying but w/e.

i'm pretty sure theres alot of people that do that.

and although most of the things i do come from me.

why am i seen as 'real' opposed to the others

like idk,

i have my own personality.

i know what i like and dislike.

idk who i am...b/c i believe finding true self comes with age and time.

but i know who i am RIGHT now.

but it's impossible for me to have everything i say and do come from JUST ME.

&i know i have people who mimic what i do.

although it's more than they should. LOL

should we all be faulted for trying to be a little different 

or acquiring something that we see that we like?

ehhh,

i'm pretty sure i'm rambling but w/e.

lalalalalalalala;

just random thoughts.

i could go onnn,

but i need to perm my hair.

one more perm for prom

&i'm done.

natural all day.

LOL

-nat out. =]

***LOL i have one thing to add,

 i wasn't bashing anybodys;

 i was just jotting mii thoughts down about the subject. 

ahehe***

the adventures of Nataracks!

ahehe, all credit for my blog title goes to PAPalolo. =]

sooo this spring break has beenn sooooooooooooooooooooooo MOTHERFUCKIN BORING so far!

i'm like 2 steps away from shooting myself,

...it's death.

but, i did manage to make some videos

&do to the fact that i hate looking at my old blog everytime I come on here...

i'mma post them nowww.

weeeee!

it's gonna take forever and a fuckin day tho.

so yesterday me and my sis went on a runwalkjog kinda thing

b/c i'm fattttttt, &i need to loose some weight.

ahaha, no joke. =]

i would have went today but my sleeping cycle was so screwed and i managed to have slept pretty much alll day yesterday up until about 9am today. 

tsktsk

imma go tomorrow morn tho.

but heres my video from my 10lap walkrunjogging adventure.

LOL.

ahaheheha, okay and this is the vid from today when me, my sis and her bf went to the playgrounddd:

      ROLE CALL:

NAT : HOMELESS GIRL [self explainatory]

TEY : FAALIYAH [fake aaliyah]

PRINCE : DONATELLO [purple ninja turtle]

enjoy:\

so yeah, iiiiiii think i'm going driving today but my mom is so fuckin iffy who knows if i'm really going.

ooo, so i pierced my carilage today. =] againnn.

i'll post the pics up when/e but it looked soo cool.

i did it w/ a safety pin tho, 

i did it out of boredom, i couldn't wait for my needles...

but when they come imma do the other two on my other ear.

i can't wait to gauge it b/c i think studs in my cartilage look ugly.

i didn't bleed at all =]

but it stings right now tho.

yesterday when i was watching tv my eyes were giving out on me.

like everything i looked at seemed so blurry.

it's been doing that for the past week now.

i don't want my eyes to get all fucked up &shit,

so imma start wearing my glasses all the time now.

i need my eyeesssss!

well i'm waiting for this motherfuckin 6 minute vid to upload.

time for me to update my twitter. =]

twitter.com/natx3

[or you could just look at the left hand side of my blog. lol]

kk, peace<3