you ever want something,

but then you realize that it may be too late to have it?

...yup

i freak out to FOB!

this wasn't even suppose to be a video.

i wanted to take pictures to show off my indusy but i ended up freaking out to the song.

mind as well post it here right?

haha; enjoy my insanity. :]

-en <3

random jot.

i miss blogging.

but i just can't seem to throw myself back in the groove.

i made my final school decision!

i was being very iffy about transferring b/c i would have to start all ovr again,

but this is what i've decided.

iiiii'm gonna apply to the one and only school that i have my heart set on.

i was gonna have back ups,

but psua is my back up!

lol

soo if i don't get into stony brook,

i'm just gonna double major in theatre here,

and transfer to UP my jr year.

yup yup.

i'm very satisfied w/ that decision.

can't believe i haven't thought about it b4.

ehh, well i'm gonna go waste my life away and probably fall asleep.

brit wants to go to school @ 8am to go get the H1N1 shot

argghh

well hasta siempre que!

-en <3

planet earth turns slowly.

okay, i wanted to blog but i wanna make this really quick cause i'm mad pump for no reason right now.

so apparently on friday when i was out of mind my two groups of friends were bumping heads.

let me break this down real quick:

on different days i hang w/ different people,

not b/c thats how i structured it out

but b/c the people i hang w/ are convenient with my schedule.

haha

these people barely know one another b/c i'm nvr around them all at once.

soo yeahh

at my party they were all together,

i wasn't aware of what was going on cause i was in my own little world.

lol

but today i finally heard the aftermath

group A had a problem w/ group B

and now both of the groups are telling me i need to pick better friends.

........................um, da fuck?

out of these 3 months I personally have had no problem with either of the two groups.

my personality meshes perfectly with both of them.

i think i have a fairly good judgement of the people i choose to be my friends.

i mean they're okay, its not like these people are my best friends and i tell them my fucking life story and shit.

they're potential friendship quality doesn't mean that much to me.

but w/e they can have problems b/w each other.

&it was the females!

well anyway, my birthday was great from what i remember.

lmfao

college park didn't come,

but we ended up texting &he called meeee. :]

like i said, i'm very awkward, and i'm still immature so i get SO giddy. lol

i'm tryna shake it, but it takes maddd time & effort.

i come home friday morning!!

i'mma start packing today.

i have to pick outfits for a week+!

its gonna take me sometime cause i'm very picky w/ my clothes.

i'm really excited to see everyone!

i can't wait, i don't understand why people hate MD so much.

i lovee it! lol

oh, and i finally got my industrial!

so you guys won't have to read about me whining about how badly i want it.

i wish i would have made a vid and put it on youtube cause everybody else who did it we're kind of psyching me out.

they're fucking pussys,

it didn't even hurt that bad.

i didn't even know the man was done. -.-

well..maybe i have a high pain tolerance being as tho i can pierce myself?

eh w/e

well i'm done.

i'mm cooking bbq chicken!

hasta siempre que!

-en <3

ten million fireflies.

um, so yeah.

so far its been a fair week.

yesterday was the best fucking day ever. lol

but it kind of crash and burned a bit.

idk how to work myself out of this pickle..

knowing me i'll make it awkward, and maybe even worst.

but i have my GOD to help me i.e ashley

although my substitute got me into this jam!

but everything will be fine right?

my birthday is this friday and idk whether i should be pump or not.

this is my second birthday w/ blogspot!

very cool.

but my sig is coming

& my GOD lol and one of my housemates & my substitute

[lol, imma have to give her a better name] are throwing me a party.

again, very cool. lol

college park will be there too.

but ehh, like i said i'm not really excited.

my bday present to myself will beeee:

MY INDUSTRIAL!

that i'm getting friday

& thiss

but that'll come further down the road.

i love it and i have to have it. :]

umm, what else could i sayy?

ahh, i'm @ a lost.

welp, hasta siempre que!

-en <3

...to BURY the castle.

you know when i first made this blogspot i would have never thought that i would like it so much.

although i like my private blog way way better.

like in the beginning i pretty much started off as a n00bz not knowing what i wanted to type about but my blogs have become a major part of me now.

reading my blogs made me like myself so much more.

like i guess when i'm typing my blogs at the time i nvr think about how i'm gonna reflect back on them 5 months from now,

but now that i've read my old blogs its like i get to observe everything i went through and the things that got my through it.

i guess they're right when they say everything happens for a reason b/c i feel like i've grown from every bad or good thing thats happened to me ovr time.

[mannn its hot as a mother chucker in hurrr]

*turns fan on*

but anyway, the uplifting and optimistic words that i used to give myself when i wasn't so chipper really kind of helps.

i've also been thinking that i need to stop thinking so much.

isn't that always the case w/ me?

lately me caring about what other people think has been stopping me from doing some of the things i wanna do.

but doing that does nothing but push me back a few miles, so then i have to manipulate the subject and change my route again.

they also say that some people go to college to find themselves,

i always thought that was a bunch of hoopla until i actually started to experience it myself.

i always thought that i had a very distinct idea of who i was,

but i guess every person experiences different stages in their life

like me, back then was the HS stage of my life,

i knew who i was based on the circumstances that i faced.

but now i guess you can say i'm partaking in the college stage of my life and everything is at a blurr now.

i'm very confused and i feel like i wanna go back to my home base to get a feel of things.

i'm being faced with new things that i didn't necessarily worry about b4 and idkh to go about them.

i think i often get perceived as someone easy to take advantage of b/c for the most part here i've been very quiet and nice...

which are two attributes to my faulty personality that need to be fixed.

lately i've been observing that some people try to confront me in ways that i percieve as 'trying to take advantage of me'

and of course i'm not gonna sit back and let that happen,

but i'm confused with whether or not i should stand up and not allow it to happen or if the attempt to take advantage of me isn't actually happening and i shouldn't do anything about it.

...if that makes sense?

but anywho,

ever see one of those pictures where theres this one object standing still and the whole world is moving on around it?

hmm, KINDA like this:

thats what i feel like.

at this moment i just wish i could push the REDO button and go back to August 20th.

fix everythinggg, and do everything all ovr again.

sry, my thoughts were scattered everywhere, thats what i get for not really blogging in a while.

i'm just one of those ghost; traveling endlessly

sigh, i think i'm upset b/c Dis not coming anymore.

I mean if all of this didn't happen i think he would be a little sympathetic for not being able to make it, but he doesn't.

I feel like i ruined everything, and i did.

I was looking forward to nxt weekend for months, i know it wasn't SOLELY based on what i did.. How did i just destroy it like that?

I'm really glad Em is still coming but i wanted the both of them to come, thats what i had my heart set on.

I can't stop being so down in the dumps and it revolves around the fact that Di isn't and doesn't plan on tlking to me.

I feel like he honestly doesn't wanna be my friend anymore and that he can move on w/o me. But i can't, loosing Di would be like loosing Em and these few days or so of not tlking to him really killed me. I miss getting copy & pasted txt that i sent him. lol

They say you nvr really appreciate anything until its gone...and boyy were they right.

Di is such a really good friend.

I think its kind of weird for me b/c i've nvr had a guy bestfriend b4, so when i get mad @ him idk how to act. And i know the silent treatment with Em isn't necessarily the most effective way to go about things, but its just like how i've always done it, and it seemed to work.

I mean thats how i've always done things when i was mad at someone.

W/ my fam & other friends.

It seemed right, but apparently it isn't.

idk how to approach people w/ i'm mad @ then. Idkh!

Its a flaw i need to work on, but if i loose a very valuable friend in the process idk what i would do. I feel like if i don't have Di & Em who do i have?

[well i have kay, and ilh, but come on now. haha]

I mean altho me and Em haven't been the closest people ever these pass months, and i'm not as close as i would like to be w/ Di...i feel like they're real, like they're really there for me.

I tlk to a very fair amount of people from hs, but Di & Em are the best.

I love them dearly, i just feel like everything is screwed up and its all my fault AND theres nothing i can do about it, but wait till Di is ready to tlk to me, IF he still wants to.

i typed this from my phone, now isn't that beast? haha